Selfish Fixation

I’m selfish. Desiring everything I can’t have. Always desiring things that are bad. I get mad only because I’m sad. I think I know myself, but I do know myself, yet I don’t know myself enough to know nothing about something that is everything. Complicated I stand here as walking proof stated. I’m sure I can be hated. I eat fast, drink fast, live fast, and I never think of the possibilities of dying fast. Now that I think of death, I’m scared to lose my breath. I live life at what I think is at its best. But how come deep down inside I am still a big mess? I am aware that I will be fine in a few days because it takes time. But when those fun weekends are over, I tend to allow the greedy side to hunger more love that it really becomes hard to hide. When I am left with emptiness from the drugs, I seek and imagine all the things that could make me feel better. Its embarrassing to say, but during those empty feelings I begin to desire and build an emotion of needing so much that it burns like a infinite fire. I’m no poet, I’m just trying to figure out myself through allowing my heart to flow and type as I go without thinking of ways to make this sound cool. I want to know myself better and I want to find out what really drives me to want so much pleasure. Is it just because I like feeling good? Or is it because I feel misunderstood and lonely that it fills my empty cup of the feeling I get when I’m around people who just have no idea what I been through. The more I’ve been through. The more I wish someone just knew. Knew how I felt. Knew so well so that It could be dealt. I want others to smile and laugh. 325 words in and I’m already starting to doubt my attempt to keep this rhyming like a poem. But if it doesn’t come natural, I will just continue to type without rhymes until they naturally arrive on point. I’m still trying to figure it out. I think about a lot of things that make sense but I’m still falling off from my attempts to climb that fence. Everytime I climb it, I think I figured it out. But I keep falling off. I keep making these same mistakes. Over and Over. Stubborn, greedy, selfish, and self-centered. There it is.. self-centered. This is the only word that hurts. I should’ve placed this one first. Through typing, I’ve figured it out just now. Now I know how. I’ll continue to type, rant, and rhyme because it is an art that allows me to practice flowing those emotions out from the heart. Sleepy I feel. I think that I think about others, but rarely I do. There are too many things I desire for myself. So much that I think I may need help. So greedy, I’m eating so much I won’t be able to wear my belt. I Desire So Much. I Want So Much. I crave for love. And I’m starting to think that I don’t know how to Love myself. One thing I’m more confident about that I want to bring up. Every person has their own way of figuring out how to Love themselves. But the thing is..I enjoy desiring and I enjoy the adventures. So why bother finding a way to love myself. Contentment with nothingness. That idea seems boring. I chose the self-centered lifestyle. No matter what happens, it will only make sense that everything will either be up or down. Desire builds a man with wood and a fire. He will always have to work hard to keep that fire going. Which is why I will never rest or be content.