Selfish Thrill

Selfishness.
Manipulated and convinced myself I'm empathetic
I'm not.
I want to be.
Genuinely empathetic.
That. I'm not.
I try to be.
Many situations I've convinced and made sense out of things to benefit myself
Yet appear giving and loving like I'm the best.
really. I'm not.
The best is yet to be me.
The best. that I want to be.
Depression I bleed.
Loneliness I'm unloved by myself.
I thought I had it all right.
I really thought it through and even tricked my perceptual sight.
I'm not happy.
I seek thrills and making bills to feed those thrills.
A chase of stimulation how will I ever be content.
I chase the high.
Always chasing that high.
What do I know about love anyway?
Not much except a butterflied thrill.
Now that's a feeling.
It can't be love.
Love is unconditional.
And that my friend is something I haven't learned to do for myself.
And the cycle continues.
When will I begin?