Reflecting Letter to Myself

Death. You came knocking at my door.
The Door creeped open and I allowed it
Even though outside the rain had poured
Thinking wasn't much involved and a gambling mystery was what was in store
Friends, Love, Bonding, and Connection.
Moments later became heart palpitations and panic disorder depression
Billy, walk me around the block
I know its raining outside but I can't breathe unless I'm out
You took care of me and I appreciate that help
Few hours into this hell, but my heart doesn't slow down for any matter
Muscle spasms, breathing constrictions, arm, neck, and leg numbness
It beats faster, I can feel my heart bleeding my soul
Forcefully holding on to conscioussnes with non blinking eye opening practices
Vision's getting blurry, Billy and Reina's voices getting fainty
Fearful and doubtful
Scared and Hopeless
Nervous and Hopeful
Holding on to Life and seeing the numbers of my age float across the black screen in my brain
I'm too young to die. Not Now. Not Now. Help me Sebastian. I've only made it to 27.
Scared to die, this is what I get for chasing these temporary highs
Hurt inside physically, but mostly reflecting on unhealthy risks
Risks that have dropped self-love down very much mentally
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
The doctor says my pulse is very high
Wish I never opened that fuckin door.
Those mollies were full of lies.
Positive thoughts and vibes are no longer available for encouragement
Only negative dominating feelings control the mind
Difficult to control, it ends up overpowering the body
I wish it would all stop
I wish I didn't feel I needed to do these things and just put em all behind.
I woke up this morning, splashed cold water on my face
Taking a good look at myself before drying
A lost soul I'm becoming with an unhappy comfort of loneliness
I thought about my friends.
Aura, Michelle, Lia, Billy.
Things could've been worse if they had eaten more.
Things could have been worse if we were given more.
Things need to be changed and rearranged
I am not happy with the decisions I made, show me how to change exactly
These needs, these wants, these feelings.
I just wanna Be.  Because slowly this feels like a relapse.
I'm losing myself Again.
All this partying is like red lining a fast car
Stare a little out the window and watch the world continue and pass you by
While you were too busy messin' around glued on getting high
Its finally caught up to me, my body isn't handling it like it use to
These hobbies will be the death of me if I don't slow down this vehicle
Even though I can say I'll just hang out at the bar
One too many drinks can lead to decisions that may result in deadly consequences
I'm sorry Allen.  I don't mean to do this to you.
I haven't been taking care of you, I'm sad that you are sad.
I've been so glued and stuck in being bad.
Lets clean this off and make things right.
Because I do appreciate Life and I am willing to fight.
Let's not do this again.  You are my friend and You're Who I am.
I love you and we still have more adventures to come.
Let's not cut it short. There are different ways to have fun.

Sincerely,

Yourself