Selfish Thrill

Selfishness.
Manipulated and convinced myself I'm empathetic
I'm not.
I want to be.
Genuinely empathetic.
That. I'm not.
I try to be.
Many situations I've convinced and made sense out of things to benefit myself
Yet appear giving and loving like I'm the best.
really. I'm not.
The best is yet to be me.
The best. that I want to be.
Depression I bleed.
Loneliness I'm unloved by myself.
I thought I had it all right.
I really thought it through and even tricked my perceptual sight.
I'm not happy.
I seek thrills and making bills to feed those thrills.
A chase of stimulation how will I ever be content.
I chase the high.
Always chasing that high.
What do I know about love anyway?
Not much except a butterflied thrill.
Now that's a feeling.
It can't be love.
Love is unconditional.
And that my friend is something I haven't learned to do for myself.
And the cycle continues.
When will I begin?

Your Perception is Bent Out.

Suicides my eyes
I breathe in anger and stress that deceives me blind
Behind those eyes, I am not fine.
Often mistaken and often taken for granted
Fuck the world
Everyone wants to get fucked up on drugs, alcohol, and porn
A bunch of addicts preaching about whats right
A bunch of addicts judging others lives
What are we? Who are we?
Aimlessly mislead and misguided individuals
Blind to the truth
Blind and speaking about things without proof
Give me a gun so I can shoot myself into a pool of blood
Let my body decompose into that black blood stenched bath of dead whores
Make the confusion stop
Make these dark thoughts not limit me into doubts
I am a good person
Some people don't see that
Some see bad, but always misunderstand when I'm mad
Mad at the world.
Mad at myself.
Mad that I can't live and think like a normal man in this world.
Shut up Allen.
Enough is a enough.
They tell me to think positive.
I try and try, I keep practicing...
Must I keep trying in order for me to just be?
I'm tired. I want it to stop.
I'm not free.

Song Trigger

The older we get
The people we meet
The past memories we keep
Life moves on
I continue to look back
I remember those days I very much miss
Full of energy and spirit
Can we just pause time now and go back to it?
The song plays and I drift in nostalgia
rythms and drums from a time long ago
I wish I was back there living life with insomnia
Young and youthful
Carefree and joyful
Days now pass
The spark that once was a cigarette cherry has turned to ash
I miss it a lot
So i live through this song
And I reminisce on the times I used to go to those cd stores
Where Id listen to albums and keep the ones I bought
Life was simple back then
So i live through this song
As if it was the young version of me back then.

Faithful in a Lost Cause

Days go by

Emotions, unorganized and distorted

Positivity unbalanced with negative ties

The same mistakes I make

The more my soul begins to cry

How I haven't learned my lesson

Why do I continue to chase the dragon for these temporary highs?

The poems I express

This is my confession

I've got an issue with addiction

The fact that I don't do it during the week is a reminder that its fiction

Yet only an excuse to continue the repeating bad decisions

Yeah, blame it on peer pressure

Yeah, blame it on other people

Yeah, blame it on the availability.. yup that'll teach you

No outer influences are at fault

No other person's suggestions makes it their wrong

Its a problem you have within

Its a problem you have inside

How many times are you going to try to get better?

Lets have faith and hope this time you'll have the will to make next time better.

I admit. I have a disorder.

Bi polar moods are rude

Reasonable and dillusional

They only hurt ourselves and individuals

Could the unstable moods be the reason I do drugs?

Or maybe I just need love and some more hugs

A roller-coaster ride of emotions

Most days I find myself venting by running by the ocean

At times I just feel hopeless

Feeling like the world is over and I'm useless

Then on some days I'm at the top of the world and focused

Wish I could just stabilize this disorder with some hocus pocus

Maybe it is time I go to support groups or see a shrink

Always have been closed off to any kind of help

Its about time I begin to open myself up, so these issues can be dealt

Even if you didn't feel the Same

Missing thoughts they tangle myself
Thinking negative and shameful past filled sores
Imaginations without reconsiderarations leave me breathless
untamed the shameful thoughts its imprisoned
Thoughts of neglect for peace, yet stumbling into thoughts of she
Weightless I feel when a memory flashes from triggered imagined portraits
What are you doing?
Are you happy?
Do you think about me?
This feeling is never lessened or ever forgotten
Only tamed beneathe the carpet until maybe you'll find me
I'm always there.
I never see you though.
Its ironic. Yet if you did care wouldn't you have called me?
This feeling though.
I don't care if you don't call me.
I don't care if you miss me.
I don't care if you felt the same.
Cuz deep down inside of me
I'll always feel that same.
N its weigthless.
Maybe in another life time you'll feel the same.

A problem.

So much negative energy in the brain
Am i still the same?
Have I influenced everyone to escape their pain
Drugs, alcohol, substance, antidotes.
Addiction, feeling, soul decomposing decisions
Boredom from what?
Eyes are cold
Blind eyes and quietly shut
Give me a reason to stop
I thought moving here, I'd refrain from substance abusing games
I can't seem to enjoy the simple things enough
My human suit wants more from life
I can't just enjoy flying a kite?
The simple things are okay
When nightfall arrives, my inner werewolf comes alive
Seeking temporary pleasures and making regretful decisions
I have a problem
Its probably time i should seek help
I dont want to keep doing this to myself
Theres gotta be another way I can live with not much.